


Need

by nighttime_tea_party



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-17 23:30:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7290499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nighttime_tea_party/pseuds/nighttime_tea_party
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ciel understood that he was a disgusting human being.<br/>Ruthless. Cunning. Manipulative. Smart. Scum. Capable. Selfish. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. Just the kind of soul only a demon would deserve. Apparently the taste a demon longs for.<br/>Soul and body, Sebastian took both. His master could see the hunger for him burn in the demon's eyes and it disgusted him because he didn't understand. But Ciel needed this gleam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Need

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thank you for taking a look. This is my second fanfiction and very different from the first one. I wrote it rather spontaneously and its main purpose is exploring Ciel's conflicted feelings towards himself and Sebastian.
> 
> English is not my first language. Please feel free to point out any mistakes so I can fix them!
> 
> I dedicate this one to a friend who isn't in the Kuroshitsuji fandom and of whom I don't know if she will ever even see this but she inspired me to just write if I feel like writing.
> 
> Oh and one more thing, if you can find the Hannibal reference, you have my favour.

Ciel had grown lonely.

He felt it every night anew. His desperate attempts at filling the void in his heart by feeling another body entwined with his own didn't cover up for Ciel having nobody. He couldn't. He'd be gone soon anyway. Letting anybody near would've been irresponsible. Now, Ciel never considered himself emotionally dependent on others. Most of all, others were obstacles when they weren't tools. However, there is a minimum of interpersonal closeness anyone needs. Ciel didn't even get that much. Or rather, others were willing to give but Ciel was unable to take.

Ciel understood that he was a disgusting human being.

Ruthless. Cunning. Manipulative. Smart. Scum. Capable. Selfish. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. Just the kind of soul only a demon would deserve. Apparently the taste a demon longs for.

Soul and body, Sebastian took both. The demon had been taking a taste of the boy every night, like an appetiser before the main course. And Ciel's want for more served as the apéritif.

Sebastian had never made a secret of how much he craved for the taste of the boy's soul. Ciel had no idea what a soul could taste like but he imagined his own soul to taste like mud, or maybe an old cleaning cloth. It was absurd to him. Every time the butler offered his nocturnal service, his master could see the hunger for him burn in the demon's eyes and it disgusted him because he didn't understand.

But Ciel needed this gleam.  
It was the closest thing to affection he could afford. When skin brushed skin, breathing patterns unsettled and realigned with each other. When Sebastian coped with his hunger, Ciel coped with his loneliness. Strong arms holding him made him feel secure. Sebastian would whisper sweet and sour things in his ear, reminding him of all he really had was Sebastian, and Sebastian alone. Every now and then, Ciel wanted to cry when Sebastian held him like this. The realisation of how much he needed the demon's attention, over and over again, almost killed him inside. His emotions overwhelmed him. Of course, he didn't cry – but the wish was undeniably there.

There were nights Ciel didn't care much about any of this, but tonight wasn't one of those. It was one of these nights when every part of him knew that he wanted more than this. How terrible. How absurd.

Ciel wanted to hear the demon say his name.  
“Young Master”, the demon would always call the boy. Ciel wanted to hear his name. _His own name_. When Ciel gave Sebastian the permission to do to his body whatever he wanted to do, when just for the duration of their intercourse he was stripped down to no more than the frail human being he was, he wished he were called by his name, not an honorific without meaning.

But in a way, just hearing Sebastian's voice directed at him was enough. Ciel could measure emotion in these syllables. An annoyed sigh when Ciel didn't want to get up in the morning. A strict warning when Sebastian wasn't pleased with the academic progress Ciel's teachers reported to him. _Pure terror_ when they were aboard the Campania. He had never seen the demon like this before, shocked, on the edge of being unable to fulfil his duty and most importantly, so close to losing his protégé. Sebastian didn't lie. But there were things Ciel couldn't ask. He had to try to read between the lines if he wanted an answer to these questions.

_What shocked you that much that night? You almost lost your lifestock back then. Was that everything you felt? Protecting me, you almost died. Is this how far a demon goes in order to secure his meal?_

Sebastian scattered kisses all over the boy's skin. They felt almost affectionate, or maybe that's what Ciel wanted to believe. Ever since the cruise, Ciel gradually grew to reevaluate everything that has happened between the two of them anew. He hadn't thought much of wanting Sebastian before. Sebastian was his tool – for whatever purpose he wanted to use him. But now he knew that Sebastian wasn't unbreakable. He could've lost him that night. The mere thought made him feel sick. It would be terrible, of course, if all the effort had been to no avail, if Sebastian was gone and his revenge would move into unreachable distance. But surely, that wasn't the gist of it. After all, Sebastian was all Ciel had left. Sebastian and the drive to seek revenge. What would be left of Ciel if the two things that kept him going, that grew to define him, were taken from him? What would be the purpose of his existence? Everything that held him together came down to Sebastian. If Sebastian disappeared, so would Ciel's purpose of being.

But Ciel didn't have to bother about that right now. The demon was right here, close to him, and whispered little things into his ear.

“ _We're alone now.”_

More kisses.

“ _It's just the two of us.”_

Caresses on Ciel's thigh.

“ _You want me.”_

Hunger in Sebastian's eyes.

“ _Show me your true colours.”_

Hot breath on Ciel's skin.

When Sebastian's voice roamed through Ciel's head, the boy wondered. _But Sebastian. Aren't you just the same. You show me your true colours first._

Much of the pair's closeness nowadays was initiated by Sebastian himself. By now, the times Ciel and Sebastian sought the other's presence had become practically even. While it was Ciel's trauma and anxiety that created the need for a strong presence near him in the beginning and Sebastian just followed the needs of his master, over time Ciel grew stronger but Sebastian stayed by his side when he didn't need to. As they grew familiar with each other, the touch of the demon's skin on his own became a matter of course. But that wasn't all. After they discussed the day's work in the morning, Sebastian stayed a little longer to chat. When they came home from a mission, Sebastian made tea for Ciel and stayed while the boy settled down. Ciel didn't ask for any of this, Sebastian did it on his own will.

Sebastian liked to talk about the differences between demons and humans. About the ridiculous hurdles humans liked to set up for each other. The certain kind of cruelty only a human can inflict on one another. Sometimes it sounded like a comparison, rather than a differentiation, to Ciel.  
The demon ridiculed the cruelty humans showed each other in order to achieve what they want but Ciel wondered whether Sebastian wouldn't act the same way were he faced with an equal that wants the same thing he wants. In the end, it all came down to survival of the fittest. And wasn't this food chain hierarchy the very base Sebastian functioned on.  
Sebastian, the demon, never lied. He ridiculed human insincerity. But what's it worth not telling a lie when you keep the truth hidden by bending it, not telling it, revealing only the parts you want to be revealed? Sebastian was just as insincere, even though he never told a lie.

But Sebastian was vain and might not even have seen the discrepancies in his critique. He loved to establish himself as the alpha wherever he went. Wasn't it kind of ridiculous, the need to profile himself in front of these humans that he claimed to be far below him anyway?

Ciel wondered how much further the comparison could go. And he wondered if Sebastian even realised, despite the beast he could be, how much of a human he was as well. And if he'd always been like this or if it was a result of their time together.  
The thought of changing an eternal being in just a couple of years excited Ciel. But at this point, he was convinced he must have had some influence on the demon. It wasn't merely the contract that bound them together at this point. Sebastian had changed Ciel. But it was a mutual exchange. Ciel had become more like the demon but likewise, the demon had taken on some of Ciel's colours. The two had begun to blur. At this point, Ciel wondered whether each of them could survive separation. The Earl had grown to understand the answer applying to himself but he still wondered about Sebastian.

Ciel's time was borrowed all along, he'd known that much from the start. After Sebastian, there would be nothing left of him. What would be left of Sebastian after Ciel?

Misery, Ciel hoped. He'd be a good and fulfilling meal but after that, Ciel hoped for Sebastian to go back to a life of purposelessness, just like before, but with the difference that Ciel had built something up in him just to tear it away as he passed away. And either stay like this for an eternity or die trying to fight the void in himself. Ciel was happy he wasn't doomed to an eternal life. That's the advantage humans have over demons. Live, prosper, proliferate, die. Death was the ultimate goal. What goal exactly did demons strive for?

Right now, this demon strived for their mutual corporal pleasure. And he reached it. And then they just lay there, feeling each other's presence in the aftermath.

Ciel needed the warmth radiating from Sebastian's body. When Sebastian didn't cradle him afterwards, when they just did it like animals and each went their own way as soon as it was over, Ciel felt so disgusted with himself that he wanted to throw up. He preferred the lie of affection over the stark truth of loneliness, be it lying in the demon's arms or telling himself there must be more to this beast's feelings than hunger.

 

Ciel Phantomhive was a human and he needed lies.

_I hate Sebastian Michaelis_

The lie he told his butler.

_Sebastian Michaelis cares about me_

The lie he told himself.

 


End file.
